Understanding Addiction: A Guide for Significant Others
Working closely with individuals affected by addiction, I often focus on the significant others who find themselves entangled in the complexities of this journey. Loving someone with an addiction can be a bewildering and heartbreaking experience. It's a path where the brilliance, creativity, and love of the person you cherish can be overshadowed by the destructive patterns driven by their relationship with substance use or other compulsive behaviors.
Addiction Is Not a Choice—But Understanding It Is
Some may believe that calling addiction a “disease” offers an excuse for harmful behavior. But ask yourself: does anyone truly choose to be addicted? The disease model, supported by organizations like the National Institute on Drug Abuse (NIDA), views addiction as a chronic, relapsing brain disorder characterized by compulsive drug seeking despite harmful consequences (Leshner, 2022; NIDA, 2023). This does not excuse behavior but helps explain it and opens the door to more effective, compassionate support.
“Loving someone with an addiction can be a bewildering and heartbreaking experience. It's a path where the brilliance, creativity, and love of the person you cherish can be overshadowed by the destructive patterns driven by their relationship with substance use or other compulsive behaviors.”
Addiction often develops as a way of coping with internal pain, grief, trauma, insecurity, loneliness, or even overwhelming success or happiness. It numbs what feels unbearable. And yet, while it may shield someone from their own suffering, it simultaneously blinds them to the pain they're causing those closest to them (Khantzian, 1997).
Addiction Goes Beyond Substances
While drugs and alcohol are the most widely recognized forms of addiction, the reality is much broader. Behavioral addictions—such as gambling, disordered eating, compulsive sexual behavior, and even financial secrecy—can have equally devastating effects on relationships and emotional health (American Psychiatric Association, 2022). These behaviors may serve the same psychological function: to regulate unbearable internal states or to seek temporary escape.
What Loved Ones Need to Know
For significant others, understanding the nature of addiction is the first step in reclaiming their own well-being. You can’t control your loved one’s recovery, but you can control how you respond. This includes:
Setting clear boundaries
Learning to communicate without blame or enabling
Finding support through therapy, peer groups like Al-Anon, or other community resources
Prioritizing your own mental and physical health
SAMHSA emphasizes the importance of family and community support in recovery, noting that healing is a process for both the individual and their loved ones (Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration, 2021).
Compassion Without Codependence
When you shift from trying to “fix” your loved one to focusing on understanding the illness, you may find a greater sense of clarity and empowerment. Boundaries don’t mean you’ve stopped caring—they mean you are loving with integrity. This perspective can transform your love from something lost in the chaos of addiction into a source of resilience.
This Is Affecting You Too
Loving someone who is struggling with addiction can quietly take over your life. You may feel like you’re constantly monitoring their behavior, bracing for the next crisis, or twisting yourself into knots trying to keep the peace. You might feel ashamed for being angry or exhausted. You might worry that talking about your needs is selfish, or that if you just do things right, they’ll finally get better.
Let’s be clear: you deserve support too.
Addiction impacts the entire system around it, not just the person using. In therapy, we don’t just focus on your loved one—we focus on you. Your pain. Your confusion. Your boundaries. Your needs. You don’t have to make yourself smaller to love someone through addiction. In fact, healing often starts when you make space for your own voice, your own grief, and your own growth.
Remember: you are not alone in this journey. Support exists. And with empathy, education, and connection, healing is possible for both of you.
References & Further Reading:
American Psychiatric Association. (2022). What is addiction? https://www.psychiatry.org/patients-families/addiction/what-is-addiction
Leshner, A. I. (2022). Addiction is a Brain Disease, and it Matters. Routledge EBooks. https://doi.org/10.4324/9781003032762-4
Khantzian, E. J. (1997). The self-medication hypothesis of substance use disorders: A reconsideration and recent applications. Harvard Review of Psychiatry, 4(5), 231–244. https://doi.org/10.3109/10673229709030550
National Institute on Drug Abuse. (2023, July). Understanding drug use and addiction. National Institutes of Health. https://nida.nih.gov/publications/drugfacts/understanding-drug-use-addiction
Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration. (2021). Family therapy can help: For people in recovery from mental illness or addiction. U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. https://store.samhsa.gov/sites/default/files/d7/priv/sma14-4888.pdf
