Dating with Confidence: Navigating Self-Worth While Seeking A Relationship
Much like mental health advice, the tips and tricks for self confidence aren’t necessarily revolutionary. Similar to how managing your anxiety might ask you to engage in practices that are simple yet effective (i.e. exercise or affirmations), building self confidence works the same. There is no magic trick for self esteem, but with a bit of consistency and effort, you can make a positive impact.
Dating doesn’t make this easier
Building and maintaining self confidence while dating is no easy feat. Date coaches and therapists know this well: it’s very common for daters to assume that if they aren’t successful in finding a partner, it must reveal some deeper truth about them and their desirability. In reality, the modern dating platforms we’re using to meet one another can muddy the picture - the apps often encourage bad behavior (which has nothing to do with you) and the tech giants behind them are hoping to entice users into paying a fee (meaning their free and most commonly used subscriptions can’t work too well). Your lack of success on Bumble doesn’t necessarily mean you’re undateable or that your ‘type’ is impossible to find. In fact, some studies (like this one) suggest using dating apps increases our dependence on external validation.
That brings us to our first tip on how to build self confidence: be mindful of the difference between self awareness and internalization.
As I often tell my clients, it’s easy to want to internalize your lack of success while dating because it helps us feel more in control. Almost like if you’re the issue, there might be something we can do about it.
Not every dating outcome is a reflection of your worth. Sometimes it's simply a reflection of timing, compatibility, or circumstance.
People are unpredictable. That can feel uncomfortable to sit with.
You can do every single thing perfectly - show up your genuine self, be charming and flirtatious, follow up at exactly the right pace - and still not end up in a relationship. Yet our brains, in an effort to find some secret key that will unlock our success, seem to look for every reason why these outcomes are a direct reflection of you. Don’t fall into the trap and remind yourself that dating apps have repeatedly been shown to negatively impact our self image (according to studies like this one).
There can also be a thin line between introspection and internalization. Struggling to find the line between what’s yours to work on vs. something out of your control? Finding a trusted, objective third party like a therapist or coach to help chat through your dating experiences can help. If you don’t have one of those, try enlisting a friend.
Speaking of friends - that brings us to our second tip for today. Invest in other areas of life, outside of dating.
Be mindful of “tunnel vision.”
For some of my clients who are keen to get into a relationship, they can laser focus their time and attention on this endeavor, and often at the expense of their other hobbies and interests. But this begins to narrow our sense of self.
Spending time with loved ones, going on adventures, trying new things, and developing a skill are all ways to bolster your self image. The more excited and engaged you are with your own life, the more you’ll enjoy the journey along the way (regardless of romantic partnership). And that energy? It is very attractive to prospective dates. People like meeting folks that have full, happy lives. It will not only give you things to talk about, it will help you practice some of the social skills that dating requires (putting yourself out there, striking up a conversation, pushing through nerves to try something new). This practice will naturally lend itself to your feeling more confident on a first date.
Enjoying yourself is generally a fantastic way to feel more comfortable and confident in your skin. That’s actually our final tip for today - to structure the dating process to prioritize having fun. I encourage you to decide for yourself what that looks like.
This is a slightly controversial opinion, but I’m not always a fan of big fancy first date dinners. It adds a bit of pressure, tends to lock you two into an interview-style conversation, and it doesn’t provide a ton of opportunity for ‘play.’ Instead, as my many years of gathering date feedback has revealed, this traditional date format tends to feel… A bit stiff or dry. Even professional? And that doesn’t sound like fun at all.
"The more connected you are to your interests, passions, and values, the stronger your sense of self becomes."
Focus on having fun.
Instead, I suggest introducing a third object for your first date. Give yourselves something else to focus on outside of the ‘getting to know you’ conversation that you’re both anticipating. This can be grabbing a coffee and going for a walk in a park, taking something like a pottery class, or even opting for shareable plates instead of full entrees (it feels more interactive and casual). Engaging in experiences that are novel or adventurous has even been shown to increase feelings of attraction and closeness.
But most of all? Tailor the dating process to your own interests and whatever sparks your joy. Take your date to your favorite museum and show them the best ice cream in town afterwards. Ask them to join you at your favorite band’s upcoming concert. Do something that you’re going to look forward to and focus on enjoying each other’s company vs. evaluating each other for life partner potential.
One last note I’d like to share with you all: the most effective advice on how to build self confidence will depend on where you’re getting stuck. Someone who can’t seem to secure a first date, for instance, is going to have a very different narrative compared to someone who keeps ending up in situationships. You can’t plan fun first dates if you aren’t even getting to the starting line, and learning more about how to optimize your dating profile or increase opportunity won’t feel relevant to you if you have plenty of potential suitors. This is where an expert might be able to help. Contact the Resilience Therapy team or Amity Matchmaking for assistance with your therapy and date coaching needs.
"The best first dates often feel less like interviews and more like shared experiences."
