Why “Self-Care” Feels Like Another Chore on Your To-Do List
“Make sure you practice self-care.” It’s advice we hear all the time. We hear it from family, friends, we see it on social media, and even from mental health experts. But if we’re being honest, sometimes self-care feels like one more thing to do. One more box to check off. One more way to feel like you’re failing at "having it all."
If your self-care feels like a chore instead of relief, you aren't doing it wrong. You're likely just looking at it through the lens of perfectionism.
The Marketing Myth vs. The Reality
The World Health Organization and the National Institute of Mental Health both essentially define self-care as maintenance. It is about your ability to promote health and manage stress. Notice that neither of those definitions mentions rose-scented candles or $200 leggings. Yet, from a cultural aspect, self-care has always been marketed as spa days, vacations, or aesthetic routines. These things are certainly enjoyable and are known to relieve stress, but they are not the foundations of mental well-being. In fact, framing self-care as something indulgent can unintentionally make it feel difficult to sustain.
Why Slowing Down Can Feel Uncomfortable
For many of our clients, productivity is deeply tied to who they are, their identity. Achievement, responsibility, and showing up for others are often praised, which reinforces the need to be productive. Over time, this can shape an internal belief that worth is tied to how productive a person is. So when you slow down, your nervous system may not register it as “rest,” but it may instead register it as being lazy or falling behind.
Hanley-Dafoe (2025) says that self-care is often difficult because it requires confronting internalized expectations and unrealistic standards we place on ourselves. If you are used to being the one others depend on, the strong one, or the high achiever, stillness can feel strange and even uncomfortable. Slowing down is not simply a behavioral shift. It is a mindset shift.
If you are used to being the one others depend on, the strong one, or the high achiever, stillness can feel strange and even uncomfortable. Slowing down is not simply a behavioral shift. It is a mindset shift.
Why Focusing on Ourselves Can Trigger Guilt
Why does putting yourself first feel guilty? Many individuals grow up learning to prioritize others, such as family needs, work demands, and social obligations. Over time, we may learn that putting others first makes us a “good” person. This creates internal beliefs such as:
“Other people need me more.”
“I should be doing something productive.”
“I can rest later.”
"Taking time for myself is selfish."
Here is the truth: self-care is not an abandonment of your responsibilities. It is recognizing that you cannot sustainably pour from an empty cup, especially over an extended period. Research has shown that consistent self-care is linked to lower burnout and improved emotional well-being (Weekes, 2014). Self-care supports functioning.
Rethinking Self-Care
What if self-care is not about adding more to your life? What if it's about removing what is draining you? Instead of asking "What else should I be doing?" try asking:
What is exhausting me right now?
Where am I overextending?
Do I need to take a minute to pause and slow down?
What would make today 10% less stressful?
Self-care is not about perfection, but it is about sustainability. Hanley-Dafoe (2025) says that self-care is not a reward you need to earn; it is a necessary practice for maintaining emotional balance and resilience.
Embracing Self-Care Without the Guilt
Letting go of guilt may not come easy, and it will not happen overnight. It requires changing how you think about responsibility and worth. Self-care does not mean you are neglecting others; it means that you are also including yourself in the equation, because your needs are just as important.
The WHO (n.d.) highlights that self-care includes developing skills that support mental resilience. This includes emotional awareness, boundary setting, and seeking support. It’s not just about relaxation. When self-care is reframed as preservation rather than indulging, it becomes easier to accept.
Non-Traditional Ways to Practice Self-Care (So It Doesn’t Feel Like a Chore)
Self-care does not always have to be bubble baths, vacations, or elaborate routines. Sometimes it can look like growth. Here are a few meaningful ways to practice self-care that may feel more authentic:
Setting Boundaries – even when it feels uncomfortable
Protecting your time and emotional energy is not selfish. You are protecting your mental and emotional health.
Doing Regular Mental Check-ins
Pausing to ask yourself, “How am I feeling right now?” builds emotional awareness and regulation.
Reducing Obligations and Learning to Say No
Saying no does not make you a bad person. It means you are aware and recognize your limits.
Seeking Therapy
Therapy is a proactive tool that can help you build healthy coping skills, process emotions, and strengthen resilience.
Having Honest and Open Conversations
Difficult conversations may feel uncomfortable, but having such conversations can lead you to your authentic selves and, in turn, reduce internal stress over time.
Learning to Be Still Without Judging Yourself
Stillness allows self-reflection, which will help you understand what you tolerate and where you may need support.
These practices may not look glamorous, but they promote long-term emotional regulation.
Stillness allows self-reflection, which will help you understand what you tolerate and where you may need support.
Final Thoughts
If self-care feels like another task on your to-do list, then it may be a sign that you are already carrying too much. Self-care is not about adding pressure to yourself, but it is about reducing it. It is not about earning a reward to rest, but it is about allowing yourself to be human and understanding that your emotional and mental well-being matters too.
References
Hanley-Dafoe, R. (2025, August). Self-care is not a reward you need to earn. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/everyday-resilience/202508/self-care-is-not-a-reward-you-need-to-earn
Hanley-Dafoe, R. (2021, December). Why is self-care so hard—and what can we do about it? Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/everyday-resilience/202112/why-is-self-care-so-hard-and-what-can-we-do-about-it
National Institute of Mental Health. (n.d.). Caring for your mental health. https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/caring-for-your-mental-health
Weekes, J. D. (2014). The relationship of self-care to burnout among social workers in health care settings (Doctoral dissertation, Walden University). ProQuest Dissertations Publishing.
World Health Organization. (n.d.). Self-care. https://www.who.int/health-topics/self-care
Wyatt, J. P., & Ampadu, G. G. (2022). Reclaiming self-care: Self-care as a social justice tool for Black wellness. Community Mental Health Journal, 58(2), 213–221. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10597-021-00884-9
